I'll Be Your Tarzan
by BadJujuxD
Summary: Ichigo and his friends are hiking in South America as a last hoorah before they set off for college in the fall, when poor Ichi was taken hostage by a group of outlaws who lived in the jungle and who, in Ichigo's opinion, were completely insane. Now Ichigo has to find a way to get back to his friends, all while keeping his sanity and avoiding the advances of a blue-haired fiend.


Ichigo panted, trying to remember why he thought hiking through a goddamn jungle would be a good idea. From the sluggish way his friends trudged along, he assumed they were thinking the same thing. It wasn't as if they weren't impressed by their surroundings – they all thought that the jungle was exquisite, vibrant in a way that seemed unreal. They had never in their eighteen years of life been surrounded by so much life, beauty and fucking bugs. Ichigo swatted at yet another buzzing annoyance near his ear as he trailed behind Rukia, who was trying to shove back a giant fern frond that must've been twice as big as she was. Normally they all would have teased the crap out of the small fry, but it was such a struggle to breathe that no one even bothered. Renji took pity and held the frond back for her, and let it swing right into Ichigo's face with a grin plastered onto his sweaty face.

Ichigo frantically shoved through the fern and scowled. He swore that he would never again let his friends talk him into anymore 'fun adventures'. At the beginning of their senior year, the group had decided that before they went off to college that they should go on a trip that would allow them all to bond and explore. He snorted, thinking that he's had a little too much bonding with his friends. He didn't even want to think about how many times he's seen all his friends in their birthday suits in the past week.

Why they had decided to hike in the jungle was still a mystery to him, but he supposed there were worse places to go hike around in. At least he was with his friends.

Just then, their tour guide halted the group, setting his pack on the ground and taking out his canteen. He was a pale, stone-faced man with freakishly huge green eyes, inky black hair and apparently an immunity to the suffocating humidity. Ulquiorra had hardly spoken this entire week, and Ichigo couldn't tell if it was because he didn't speak any English or if he found the group to be annoying as hell. Watching Renji wrestle with Shiro over a fucking rock to sit on made Ichigo think it was probably the latter.

Ichigo took the opportunity to look up at the canopy of trees, watching the sunlight filter down in a green haze. Soon they would have to set up for camp, and he was determined as hell to not have to sleep near Shiro. That fucker practically molested him last night in his sleep, and he was not going through that again. Ichigo slowly inched his way near Chad, thinking that sleeping near the gentle giant was probably his best bet of getting a good night's sleep.

"Hey Chad, how ya holding up?" Ichigo asked pleasantly as he sat on the ground between Chad and Orihime, who was busy fanning the overheated Tatsuki.

"….. I'm fine…." Chad was a man of few words, a quality that Ichigo really appreciated considering how most of his friends were freaking obnoxious.

"What the hell, Strawberry? Are you not concerned with my fucking well-being?" Tatsuki huffed, glaring daggers in his direction.

He rolled his eyes. "If getting hit by a giant-ass truck freshman year didn't kill you, I highly doubt that you'll die from the heat."

"Don't be too sure about that," she muttered, taking a swig from her water bottle.

"Kurosaki-kun, how are you feeling?" Orihime asked, still smiling and fanning away.

He shrugged, taking off his back pack and stretching. "I could definitely be a helluva lot worse. What about you?"

"I'm great! I feel like we're Indiana Jones, hunting through the jungle for lost artifacts. Maybe we'll find an ancient temple like he did, and get attacked by zombie monkeys, and then we'll find a huge diamond sitting on a pedestal –"

"Orihime, your enthusiasm is making me tired," Tatsuki giggled. "Chill out." Orihime just smiled and continued fanning.

"You sure do have a great imagination," Ichigo smiled, his mood temporarily lifted by Orihime's childlike point of view. Despite the heat and the bugs, he really was happy that they were on a trip together. He looked around at all of his friends- Rukia, Uryu, and Shinji were all laying down, Renji and Shiro were still wrestling, Chad, Tatsuki and Orihime sitting with him – and he felt his heart swell with happiness.

A twig hit him in the face and that happiness quickly turned to annoyance as he scowled at Shiro and Renji. He picked up a rock and threw it at them, laughing as it bounced off of Renji's butt. He may love his friends, but that didn't mean that they weren't annoying little shits.

They ended up setting up camp near a small stream just before sunset. Despite the heat, Ulquiorra has set up a campfire, ordering all of them to sleep relatively close to it so predators wouldn't come near. Ichigo had to fight for the spot between Chad and Rukia, practically kicking Shiro off of him and yelling at him to go bug someone else. Ichigo had to listen to Shiro whining about his 'King' abandoning him until they went to bed, causing Ichigo's left eye to develop a twitch. There were a few rounds of Go Fish and Truth or Dare, resulting in Orihime's complete victory at the card game and Uryu and Renji having to streak naked around the campsite. Without bug spray. Soon after, they all crawled into their sleeping bags, all of them passing out minutes later.

After a couple of hours, Ichigo woke up to the uncomfortable feeling of an extremely full bladder. He cursed silently, easing his way out of his sleeping bag gently, careful to not wake up his companions. He slipped on his shoes and a jacket, fumbling with his laces in the somewhat dim firelight.

He crept silently towards the trees, paranoia forcing him to look over his shoulders to make sure that no one was following him. A couple of nights ago Renji and Shiro had followed him and thrown ice cold water on him while he was unzipping his pants. A low growl sounded in his throat at the memory. He looked over his shoulder once more and decided to go a bit deeper into the trees, just to be safe. He stopped once he couldn't see the fire anymore and relieved himself, sighing at the release of the pressure. He turned around, almost tripping on a tree branch. He swore loudly, then stomped back to camp.

A twig snapped somewhere on his left and he stopped dead in his tracks. He stood still for a moment, listening to the sounds of the jungle. When he heard nothing else, he continued walking. He sped up when he caught sight of the fire, eager to lay back down when someone grabbed him from behind and stuck a knife up to his throat.

Ichigo's heart stopped beating. He suddenly thought of all the news stories that he'd heard over the years of the vicious drug cartels and horrific deaths in South America, stories of tourists being kidnapped for ransom and killed, and then he thought of every horror movie that had ever taken place near trees. If he hadn't already done it, he would have pissed himself right then and there.

"Now, now, seems like you're a little lost," a low, whimsical voice breathed into his ear. "Too bad for you." Ichigo sucked in a sharp breath through his nose, years of martial arts training flashing through his mind as he tried to think of a way to get the knife away from his throat without slicing it open. Nothing plausible was coming to mind as the unknown man forced Ichigo to walk forward towards the camp. His mind went into a frenzy as he desperately tried to come up with a plan. He didn't want this guy anywhere near his friends, especially with the humongous knife. Ichigo had to do something –

The two stumbled into the campsite, and Ichigo blinked dumbly. This wasn't his campsite. Which means that he had gotten himself lost. If he wasn't being held at knifepoint, he would've smacked himself.

In the middle of the clearing was a campfire, bigger than the one that Ulquiorra had made. There were men of all different sizes lazing around on top of their sleeping bags, sleeping, sharpening knives or cleaning their guns. The man closest to him was huge, with spiky black hair, a scar on his face and a huge knife collection lying next to him. He wasn't wearing a shirt, allowing Ichigo full view of the scars that covered his body. When he turned, Ichigo saw that he had an eye patch and a scary-as-fuck grin.

"Why the hell did you bring back a stray kitten, Gin?" His voice was low and gravelly, the kind of voice that would belong to a serial killer. Ichigo mentally smacked himself and tried not to let his imagination get the best of him, trying to convince himself that serial killers usually worked alone, not in giant groups.

The man behind Ichigo laughed lightly. "He was just so lost and adorable, I couldn't resist." The knife was removed from his throat, and the man called Gin shoved him down to the ground. "Don't try anything stupid, little kitty." Ichigo turned and scowled at Gin, distantly registering the fact that the man was gorgeous, with silky silver hair, an impish grin and a tall, toned body. He wore a fitted black sleeveless shirt with slightly baggy green cargo pants and combat boots. If Ichigo hadn't perceived Gin as a psycho killer, he probably would have been drooling all over him.

"Fuck off," he spat, scowling at Gin for all he was worth. "Just let me get back to my own damn group."

"'Fraid I can't do that kitten." He walked over to a sleeping man that was also freakishly tall and skinny as a toothpick and stole what looked suspiciously like a tamale while he wasn't looking.

"Why the hell not?! It's not like I came over here willingly, you bastard!"

The man with the spiky hair chuckled while inspecting a long curved blade. "He's a feisty one." He looked over at Ichigo, grinning as he stroked the blade of his knife. "I like the feisty ones."

"Kenpachi, you're not allowed to touch him," Gin mumbled around a mouthful of food. "Unless you wanna deal with G. You know he gets first pick."

Kenpachi scowled. "I don't wanna play with him like that, you pervert. He looks like a fighter, is all." Ichigo visibly blanched at the thought of Kenpachi touching him like….that. At least he didn't have to worry about it. Still, Ichigo was getting pissed off, and when he was pissed he couldn't keep his mouth shut.

"Who the hell is G? Who the fuck are you guys? Why the hell can't you just let me-"

"JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, SHUT YER TRAP I'M TRYIN' TA FUCKING SLEEP." A boy with flaming red hair popped up out of a sleeping bag and glared daggers at Ichigo. "Do you know what time I had to get up at? Four in the fucking morning!"

Ichigo scowled at the kid. "Do I look like I give a fuck?"

The kid's eye twitched. He was about to get up and start yelling when someone threw a piece of bubblegum straight at his nose. He froze, then started growling as he crawled out of his sleeping bag. A giggle floated down from the trees as the kid picked up the piece of gum. He tossed it in the air once, then chucked it. A small squeak made Ichigo whip his head around as he watched a small pink haired girl jump off of a branch that was twenty feet in the air. She landed on the balls of her feet and launched herself at Kenpachi, her cute little face pulled into a pout.

"Ken-ken, Jinta is being mean again!" She was clinging to his back, arms locked around his neck as he glowered at the red head.

"You got a death wish, punk?" Jinta paled, taking a step back from the menacing giant wielding yet another fear-inducing knife.

"Calm down," a blond man sighed, clearly exasperated with the entire situation. He sat on the other side of the fire, keeping his eyes on Ichigo while covering the rest of his face behind a fan. "He's just flirting with Yachiru." Both of the kids started spluttering and blushing, refusing to look anyone in the eye.

At this point Ichigo was slowly becoming less pissed off and inching closer to being absolutely furious. The blond man watched as Ichigo's face slowly got darker and darker, as every muscle in his body slowly tensed up, and he grinned. Shit was gonna hit the fan soon, and he was excited to sit back and watch.

The group continued to squabble, ignoring Ichigo and allowing him time to finally come up with a plan. Yachiru lead Kenpachi over to talk to the sleeping bean pole of a man, probably to ask for some of the tamales. As fast as he could, he ran over, grabbed a knife off of Kenpachi's bed, and bolted for the trees. Gin was already there waiting for him though, and shoved him back into the campsite with a feral smirk. Ichigo crouched into a fighting stance, snarling and regaining a firm grip on the knife in his hand. He wasn't used to fighting with weapons, but he sure as hell wasn't going to fight Gin without it.

The two men stood still, staring at each other with such intensity that they failed to notice the entrance of two other men. One man dropped his bag onto the ground silently, approaching the two men with the grace and silence of a jungle cat. He grabbed a surprised Ichigo's arm and flipped him over into the dirt. Ichigo lost hold of his knife in the process, causing Gin to smirk and walk over to sit with the blond man and watch.

The stranger was now sitting on top of Ichigo, pinning his arms above his head with a look of scrutiny. Ichigo squirmed, trying to get his hands free and failing miserably. He couldn't give up, not even if it killed him. He was about to cuss out his attacker when he finally looked up.

His heart had stopped for the second time that night. He was pretty sure that it would result in some sort of damage to the muscle tissue, but he didn't really care at that point. This was possibly the most gorgeous man that he had ever set eyes on. Sky blue eyes matched his tousled hair, straight pearly white teeth glimmered in the dark like diamonds and holyfuckingshit this was not the time for Ichigo to start drooling over a guy. Ichigo yanked his hands free and punched the guy in the face, landing a hit on the jaw. Ichigo bucked his hips and used his hands to shove the guy off of him. The guy stood and rubbed his jaw, eyeing Ichigo as he did.

"What the hell was that for, Berry?" Ichigo's eyes went as wide as moon pies at the sound of his voice. It was low, slightly gruff and probably amazing at phone sex. Once he realized what the man had said, his lust was temporarily replaced by his anger.

"Are you fucking kidding me? You attacked me and threw me onto the ground, of course I'm gonna fight back, you ass!"

"You were threatening one of my men." He stood up straight, sounding completely reasonable as he stared Ichigo down.

"He practically kidnapped me at knifepoint, and he won't let me leave." Ichigo took a step towards the trees. "And if you're gonna try to stop me, then I'll fight you too."

The blue haired man chuckled, leaning his head to the side and cracking his neck. "It would be my fucking pleasure." Then he launched himself at Ichigo's midsection, knocking the boy down again and taking the breath right out of him. Ichigo got his legs between the two of them and pushed the other man off of him. Ichigo then kicked the man's legs out from under him and attacked.

The two continued on like that for about ten minutes as the rest of the camp just sat back and watched. They were surprised at Ichigo's skill level, but that just made the fight more fun to watch. It had been a while since they had seen the bluenette actually try in a fight.

At one point the two had just decided to stay on the ground, seeing as how neither liked getting knocked on their asses repeatedly. Ichigo was tiring out, and he could feel his sore muscles protesting with every movement. The other guy was barely breaking a sweat, a maniacal grin plastered onto his otherwise beautiful face.

The blue haired man finally managed to get on top of Ichigo, once again pinning down his arms. He leaned over Ichigo's body, putting his face an inch apart from his. Ichigo gaped at the man as he felt his arousal pressing insistently against his stomach, something that he was most definitely not expecting.

"Now look what ya went and did ta me, Berry! I'm all worked up and excited," he laughed low in his throat, sounding a little bit mental and looking completely deranged. If Ichigo was being honest with himself, he found it extremely arousing. But of course he would never admit it.

"Fuck off," he hissed struggling to break free from the man's hold.

"There'll be time for that later," the blue haired man leered. "But until then, be a good little boy and stay still."

And with that, he punched Ichigo in the face, knocking him out cold. Fragmented thoughts flitted through Ichigo's mind, but the one that stood out the most was his absolute determination to make that blue-haired asshole pay for fucking up his face.


End file.
